1. Keep at least three WIPs (works in progress) open at a time to fool yourself into thinking you're actually being productive.
  2. In the off chance that you actually do get around to writing something, be sure to stop writing not only in the middle of a sentence but in the middle of a word. When you go back to it later (four days later), stare at the half word "Bef" for five minutes wondering what sentence you were about to write that starts with "Before." 
  3. Delete the "Bef" and write a completely different sentence that doesn't start with "Before."
  4. Try not to think about the fact that your story is probably now going in a completely different direction than the you who wrote "Bef" was taking it. 
  5. Tell yourself this is the week you're finally going to learn the difference between "nevertheless" and "nonetheless." While you're at it, you should go ahead and figure out whether it's "all of a sudden" or "all the sudden."
  6. Don't actually Google either of those things.
  7. Don't respond to that "I didn't like this very much, I liked the other thing better" comment on your fanfic. Sure, you can type out a response about how the thing they didn't like is very clearly tagged at the top of the fic and the entire story revolves around that one thing they didn't like, so if they didn't like it then why did they even read it? That's like going to the ice cream shop and ordering vanilla, eating the whole thing, then going up to the person who made it and being like "I like chocolate better." What's the point? Why are you telling me this? I don't care that you willingly read something that very clearly had something in it that you knew you wouldn't like. That's not my problem, my friend. Sure, you can go ahead and type all of that out, but don't actually say it to the person. Hit the backspace button and then delete their stupid comment and write about it passive aggressively on your blog. 
  8. Sick of writing fiction? On a whim, start writing patterns for the things you crochet. OK, so you have no idea how to write a pattern and you're not sure if you're using the right terms and abbreviations or if anything you're saying makes any sense because you yourself didn't learn how to crochet from reading patterns but learned from watching videos so why would you ever use a written medium to convey how you crocheted a shirt while in the car for 12 hours on your way to and from Michigan. Can you say you "double up your yarn" just like you "double up your thread" while hand sewing? Who knows.
  9. Edit a post very quickly and then post it without thinking about it. The minute you post it, remember that you forgot a very crucial detail. When you go back to edit it, write as fast as possible so that people don't read the unedited post. Forget to check for grammar and typos until, like, 24 hours later. Catch a really stupid mistake and then time travel back to 24 hours before so you can punch yourself in the face. 
  10. And most importantly: remind yourself that you write for you and not for anybody else. You write because you want to, because you love it, because it's a fundamental part of who you are. And then punch yourself in the face for being so flowery and deep.